When Did The World Go Nuts?
I don't fucking know, but I wish I did. I first started to notice the world was nuts in about 2005 I think. I was sitting in a college classroom - English Lit, Stockport College if you must know. We were studying Dracula, that story about the Keanu Reeves getting cuckolded by Commissioner Gordon in Victorian England (/Romania?) and two twins in the class sneezed in unison. Exactly the same time. Both of them had a little bit of foreign matter in their breathe boxes, and expelled it almost in unison. Now I've written it down it sounds more mental, but that's the moment I noticed the world was nuts.
Nuts in so many ways. Why does it exist? How even does it exist. Is there a god? Did Richard Dawkins invent us via some sort of ape cloning catastrophe? Are we part of an elaborate app on future Elon Musk's iPhone 84? All valid questions, all with the same answer to my mind - "no". It doesn't really matter why it exists, but the fact that it does and weird shit like those twins sneezing at the same time - hell, weird shit like twins, baffles me to no end.
Take, for example, this Avril Lavigne imposter thing. You know Avril - she's the lass from the early 2000s who sang about a Skater Boy but inexplicably called it "Sk8er Boi". Reading that back, she probably single handedly invented "txt speak" - a phenomenon that's still probably the bane of your existence if your parents (or worse grandparents) message you on a daily basis. "CU L8R X". Nevertheless, she did that, and then apparently took time out of her busy schedule of ironic tie wearing to die. Not only did she die, but she put in motion some elaborate plan to replace herself with a girl named Melissa and trick the world into believing that they were one and the same.
Obviously at this point I'm keen to point out that, as a dead woman, Avril Lavigne would have terrible judgement when it comes to selecting her own doppelganger, so she delegated this task to her record label who set about replacing her with someone who had similar eyes, height and singing ability. They would've got away with it too, if they'd only considered one massive oversight - mental people.
Yes, mental people. Not people with actual mental health issues I might add - but the sort of people who spend their time doing battle in the comments sections of illegally uploaded (and pitch changed) Youtube videos of album tracks. The sort of people who type I AM LITERALLY CRYING at the end of their depressing tweets followed by those fucking crying laughing faces.
Yes these people - animals, as I refer to them. The sort of people you wish you didn't know, but your timelines are filled with. Snuffling for clues like a disgusting conspiracy pig rubbing it's nose in shit truffles of half truths and Wikipedia false flags... "Avril was 5'6 but Melissa is 5'2" they'll snort at you as you desperately try to muster up some semblance of a fuck.
Don't get me wrong, I love a conspiracy theory and once spent 15 spare minutes reading this website that claims that last remaining (talented) Beatle Paul McCartney is dead and was replaced with a man called William. I'm the first in line if someone claims that 9/11 was an inside job. Chem trails? Sign me up!
Avril Lavigne dead? Not a fucking chance.
It doesn't even matter if she's dead. I checked to see if she had an album coming out - of course she fucking does. So not only is she not dead, she's now in the consciousness of a boat load of people who weren't even alive to suffer the indignity of "I'm With You".
So if Avril isn't dead, and Paul McCartney isn't dead then who is? Statistically speaking, at least one beloved music icon (I hope Paul McCartney never finds out I'm lumping him in with Lavigne) has to have been killed and replaced by a lookalike/clone - otherwise there would be no basis for these stories to exist. Ceelo Green is an obvious one - a man who looks like a dwarf with gigantism. The only time he's ever looked comfortable was that time he was a golden robot - his true form I'm willing to bet.
So what does it all mean in the grand scheme of things? Well nothing. Not really. Avril's had over 100 Million views on Youtube - she's all set. Paul is too. He's in the new Pirates of the Caribbean film. As for Ceelo? Fuck knows. Probably arsing about in his gold mask somewhere. Really makes you wonder.
When did the World go nuts?