Global Warming isn't real!
Well I'm glad we've cleared that up. A "hoax". Continuing his mission to fix the World, Mr President Trump might finally have done it. It's genius really, an almost perfect level of fake out. A 67 yard clutch pass by Brady, a 35 yard freekick by Leo Messi - nobody is on this man's level and its spectacular. His play seems to be pretty simple - if I say it's wrong, then it is wrong. It's a brave man to drag his whole fucking country out of an agreement designed for the betterment of the whole planet, but this is the bravest man on the face of the earth - and I don't mean that as a compliment.
For the first time in his tenure, I'm looking across at him with confusion in my heart. Initially, when he was elected, I didn't really give a flying fuck. I'm in the UK, and realistically Donald Trump being President should affect me in the same way that theory about rats does. You know the one right? At any given moment you're 20 feet from a rat. They're everywhere, snuffling around looking for human shite to digest, looking to eat the rest of that pizza you couldn't fit into your fat face. I know they're there, they don't care I'm there, and as long as they don't burst out of the wall like some sort of rodent KoolAid jug I'm pretty content. Unfortunately, this week Mr Trump-Rat burst through the wall like a demented Biker Mouse from Mars ready to destroy the fucking planet.
Now, I'm not some sort of environmentalist by any stretch of the imagination, I take 30 minute showers and often spray myself more than twice with an aerosol straight after (for the ladies, not for myself... under the pits and down below), but if we're being honest, we all know climate change is a thing. Whether or not it's because of human beings is anyone's guess, but the planet is definitely warming up. Some people will tell you that this is a product of all of the shite we've pumped into the atmosphere since the industrial revolution, and that makes perfect sense to me. If you take the O-Zone layer as a concept, then the by-products of humanity reacting with the gases in that protective atmosphere is simple to understand. Once the protection is compromised, then more of the Sun's radiation bursts in and suddenly the people of Greenland have a year round suntan. It's like when you're covered in sunblock and you're suddenly the victim of an involuntary "Ice Bucket Challenge". The sunblock washes off and you become the same colour as a baboon's bare arse. A harrowing story I'm sure you'll agree, and one that happened to me once upon a time thus making me an expert in things being compromised.
On the opposite side, there's the people that say the World is heating up anyway - so who give's a fuck what we do. Now this side of the argument is equally fine, but if your IQ is higher than 14 then something should probably hit you about the two sides. They can be complementary - you can believe both and I'm here to tell you that I do.
Sure the planet is probably heating up anyway, but if we're contributing to it, is it not worth looking into the science of what could be making that process happen faster rather that just dismissing the whole thing as a hoax? Even using the word "hoax" here is problematic. When I think of hoaxes, I think of the classic ones - a black man inventing peanut butter, the moon landings and birthed hermaphrodites. I think of Bigfoot, I think of Nessie, I think of... Obama being born in Kenya.
Yes, the birther thing. The thing that Donald Trump spent most of his time trying to prove when he was (allegedly) mocked at a charity dinner. The story goes that Trump was the joke of the entire evening, before ultimately being told that he would "never be President" by Barack Obama (I might be wrong on this, I definitely didn't research that). Fast forward 2 years and he's set about wiping Obama's legacy off the face of the Earth, thus showing that Obama was never President... or something.
If you're a fan of comparisons, think of this charity dinner as that bit of Star Wars Revenge of the Sith where Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi are doing battle on Mustafar. You know the one? The start of the worst 20 minutes ever committed to film? Well, if you don't (I envy you), Anakin is hanging at the bottom of a hill (he's Trump) with his legs cut off and slipping into lava. Obi Wan stands at the top of the hill (Obama) berating him about how he was the chosen one (Trump was, of course, a Democrat once)... here watch it, its easier to explain.
Now risen, Darth Donald is tearing up the World. I can't confirm or deny if Obama Wan has cleared off into hiding, ready to be collected by a young Barron Trump in the future, but one thing is for certain - Darth Trump is making an attempt on Obama's life here. Not directly obviously, just by speeding up the heating up of the planet. Make no mistake, Trump's ultimate revenge will be watching Obama's (very very distant) relatives fall into the ocean as the tide laps up against the Manhattan skyscrapers.
Trump, of course, will be a cyborg by then - standing atop Trump Tower, covering his head in all manner of product (you think that hair just happens?) as it slips into the Atlantic Ocean... wait did I just work out what's happening here? Is Donald Trump against climate change because he won't be able to use three cans of Elnett hairspray a day? Switch to mousse you fucking animal - you'll get better volume...